Not a fun or pleasurable concept to think about.
To realize that so many people consider, attempt and take their own lives every single day. That someone feels sad and alone, more than they feel happy and loved. That maybe the world would be better without them in it.
They truly believe that their lives are over, and that nothing will get better so they just end it all, and they end it so abruptly, like a period ends a
sentence. It ends. Just. Like. That.
But why should their story just end?
Their stories weren’t over yet.
Our stories aren’t over yet.
My dear friend, your story, was not over yet.
You had so much life to live, even though this chapter was hard, you shouldn’t have ended it so suddenly, so abruptly. But I can’t say it was without warning, I saw the signs. I just didn’t act on them quick enough and for that, I am sorry.
Life is not kind, and it was especially rude to you. How exactly? I’m not entirely sure. All I
know for SURE is that you were struggling mentally, emotionally, internally, in ways that people should not have to struggle, especially not a 15 year old high school student. You were hurting, so badly and I wanted to try to help you, we were going to try and help you; but it was too late. Why couldn’t I have noticed your pain sooner? The day we were going to reach out, was the day you decided to leave us. We could have helped you, or at least tried to, or maybe we could have given the world a little more time to soak up all of the beauty you so wonderfully carried around. But just like that, you were gone.
The world has changed so much, and it is no where near better now than it was a year ago. A year ago today, October 12th of 2015 is the day that the world was changed for good. Who can say if we have changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good. (A reference that not many will understand) BUT I’m sure you would appreciate it. If you were here to read what I am writing, you would enjoy my puns.
Now in the world today, shows have happened, songs have been sung, new music has been created, memories have been made, stories have been shared, politics… well let’s not talk about politics, or religion for that matter… So many things have come up over the last 365 days that I wish I could tell you about, things I wish I could have shared with you along the way. But things have happened because you left us as well. For example, a shirt was made in your honor. (Which I plan on wearing tomorrow and every 12th day of every month year round) So many things that remind me of who you were and the legacies that you have left behind, and it is crazy to think that with you, at only 15 years old, had so much influence over the people around you. Everyone looked up to you as a student, as a friend, and as a performer. You were the epitome of a great person overall and this world is missing out without you around.
Can I say this? It may be wrong to say this but here goes nothing. I am so mad at you. What made you think that leaving us all behind would make things any better? The people that love and care about you truly: your family, your friends, the community, everyone who knew you. What made you think that leaving this world, with all of us here to deal with the pain of losing you, would be better than you staying for the long haul? You don’t just get to choose that your life isn’t worth living anymore. You don’t get to just leave us here to grieve and make sure that one another don’t take the easy way out of this occasional hell we call life. You don’t get to just throw it all away, just like that.
I thought you might want to know that you aren’t alone in how you felt about this world and life itself… I have thought about it. What would this world be like without me in it? The pain, the struggle, the stress of life would just be gone. My role in this world would be a whole lot easier, but that’s only because I would no longer exist. I thought about it before you left, just ending it all. Now that your gone, and I had to witness and experience the pain that was brought upon those who knew you, I have come to acknowledge that people need me and expect me to be here for them,that I have the potential to make my life into whatever I want it to be, that I am important to those around me. Just like you were. My life is worth living because this is only a stage in my life, I haven’t even gotten to the real hardships yet. Adulthood. Gross. In all honesty my friend, I didn’t and I never will have the balls to do what you did, only because in my eyes, it was a selfish cop out.
I am fighting for my life here, being sad and feeling hopeless and worthless is not a fun time what-so-ever, but I know that there is more for me in this life. I have more to live and fight for than what is going on right now in my life, and you threw it all away. your family is fighting for their lives and supporting one another on this journey that has been made 10x harder without you along side them. I have watched them fall so far down into a dark hole, to then watch them build each other back up with the love and support of everyone else you left behind. You could have made it, you should have made it. Out of all of the people I have watched struggle in life, you were one of the people that I thought would never give up and would live to accomplish so many things.
Wherever you are, if anywhere at all, I send my best to you and hope that now that you are free from this tangible world, you no longer feel pain and suffer. Here on Earth, we miss you. Here on Earth, we are trying to keep each other afloat. Here on Earth, we are working to keep your spirit alive. Here on Earth we are trying to become more aware and educated on mental health and signs of suicide and how to prevent this nightmare from occurring.
My dear friend, you threw away your life, your talents, your dreams, your relationships and your potential way too easily and I want you to know that your story may have ended physically, but you’re story should not have ended the way that it did. You deserved better than that.
In memory of you, and everything you taught me, I promise to live my life telling the story of my talented, sincere, humble, generous, loving, loyal friend whose life came to an end, way too soon.
You’re story is not over;
“The vision is that together we can achieve lower suicide rates in the US and around the world;
That together we can start a conversation about suicide, mental illness and addiction that can’t be stopped;
We envision love and hope and we declare that hope is alive;
We envision a society that openly addresses the struggle with mental illness, suicide and
We envision a conversation embraced by churches and addresses with love;
We envision a society that sees their value and embraces it;
We envision a community that comes together and stands together in support of one another;
We envision a world where an escape is not found within drugs or alcohol;
We envision a world where self-destruction is no longer an escape to be used;
We envision a revolution of LOVE and declare that our stories are not over yet;”
Founder and President of Project Semicolon